Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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