i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
