seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I need a hoe opinion
go on
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
