then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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