I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
