Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
