I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
