I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We are all done wearing pants today
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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