I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
