Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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