If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
