I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
