I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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