god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
