he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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