Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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