i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
sarcasm needs its own font
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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