hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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