My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
