so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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