census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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