Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I need a burrito and a hug.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
