I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
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