you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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