Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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