I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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