She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
