I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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