Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
