Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
