I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
