News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
