Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
My life is pants optional.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
