If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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