I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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