Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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