I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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