I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
