I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
