You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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