My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
