the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
