I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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