I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
