when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
