just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I want to be your penis for a week.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
