She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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