she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
