Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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