you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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