someone threw a dead crab at me
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
