I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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