When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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