Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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