I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
