Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
