my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
