Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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