he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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