he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
