Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
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