i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
