We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
